🤥 Dealing with guilt and emotional manipulation.

Some people go years without realizing they've been a subject of guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and the alike.

One of the most common things people go through but often brush off and don’t want to talk about, is guilt. It might be uncomfortable to admit that you feel guilty towards things that seem trivial.

However, it is important to identify if the guilt you’re feeling is within the normal extent, or if you’ve learned to normalize it when it shouldn’t be normalized.

I don’t think it’s my fault, but I don’t know… it might be?

A very common emotional manipulation tactic is guilt-tripping. By definition, guilt trips are a form of psychological manipulation and covert control used to coerce people into doing something they don’t necessarily want to do. In other words, it’s when someone puts you in a situation where you feel like you have to do something, or else you will feel guilty. The reason? Frustration of the guilt-tripper’s needs not being met.

Forms of guilt-tripping might include:

• Making someone feel responsible for something they’re not actually responsible for.

  Case: You didn’t come to a friend’s party as u need to get an assignment done, but they told you the party might get canceled because you won’t show up.

• Building passive-aggressive communication.

  Case: A friend giving you the silent treatment after you didn’t show up at their birthday party because of an urgency.

• Bringing up old memories of helping you out in the past.

  Case: “I can’t believe you didn’t come to my party. I always showed up at your events and have helped you a lot in the past.”

The ways you can take to respond when you’re faced with any of the situations above are:

1. Take a step back. When you feel guilt, manage your emotions and try not to guilt-trip the person back.

2. Evaluate. Why do you feel guilty? Is it really your fault? If so, apologize. If not, communicate openly and assertively.

3. Ask back and practice empathy. Redirect the question to the person guilt-tripping you. Ask them: “you seem frustrated, what’s wrong?”

4. Exit the relationship when it gets too much. Do not normalize.

Watch the full video on YouTube by Satu Persen - Indonesian Life School to learn more about guilt-tripping here.

Is it all just in my head, am I wrong to feel what I feel?

A huge factor in emotional manipulation is the imbalance of power between two people. In this case, the less powerful might feel dependent which gives a sense of power to the other person. When the more powerful has bad intentions, and does not understand how to use their power appropriately, they might revert to gaslighting or blame-shifting as a means to get to their goal.

The term “gaslighting” actually comes from a 1944 movie called Gaslight, in which the character Boyer manipulates Bergman and distracts her from his criminality by trying to convince her that she is going insane. Blame-shifting also exploits whatever disparity in power exists in the relationship.

Psychologically, most narcissists and controllers have this trait of blame-shifting, though not all people who do blame-shift are narcissists or controllers. This is because:

• It permits them to dodge responsibility for their words and actions.

• Being right all the time is a dandy confirmation for the narcissist, reinforcing their superiority.

Read more on how blame-shifting works and what it could look like in real life here.

The pandemic hasn’t affected me THAT badly, should I feel guilty?

Jaime Zuckerman, PsyD, is a Philadelphia-based clinical psychologist who breaks down the concept of survivor's guilt and how it's manifesting during the pandemic. By now, you may have read or heard many stories about people’s lives going in shambles due to the current pandemic. You might feel a sense of guilt for not having it “as bad as others." Or, if you’ve had close friends and family who have been affected or even passed due to the virus, yet you are still doing okay.

The virus’s contagious nature and unpredictability make its connection to survivor’s guilt somewhat unique.

Dr. Zuckerman’s best advice for those coping with COVID19 survivor’s guilt include:

• Mindfulness exercises. Sit with your discomfort until it passes.

• Maintain a daily schedule. Keep yourself engaged in your daily lives rather than being stuck in your heads.

• Focus on self-care, as those who experience survivor’s guilt often feel undeserving and selfish for focusing on themselves.

• Give back to the community. Reduce guilt by eliciting compassion and empathy.

Find more tips to deal with survivor’s guilt and read the full Ask An Expert interview with Dr. Zuckerman here.

---

If you’ve learned one or two new things from this week’s Monday Mavens edition, don’t forget to share it with your friends to help them out as well!

Cheers, and we’ll see you again next week.